This entry will be a little more personal, I guess.
Last night, I reached a breaking point with my first MS. I wanted to forget about it, delete it, rip my hair out, etc. Some might even call it…a temper tantrum, haha.
There were a number of triggers. One, I’ve gotten (great) critiques to it and a big part of me wants to be done with it. I’m impatient and, in my opinion, I’ve been at this long enough to be done with it (whether or not that’s true isn’t exactly the point). I’m disappointed that it’s taking me this long to get to a good place with the MS.
I think I’m also seeing folks doing things I want to do– they’re making good films, writing good stories, being good dancers. And I’m just like, “Why isn’t this me!?” And so, my insecurities set in, and I’m just unsure of what I’m doing and if I’m happy with where I’m going.
But, Lord, is it tough. Last night, I decided I was driving myself nuts, and so I went to sleep. Of course, I had nightmares about every insecurity under the sun (from my body, to my projects, to my career– it was like a tour of all of my weaknesses over eight hours).
Needless to say, I didn’t wake up in good shape, but my nightmares were a wake-up call that I was in a bad funk about all of this, and I needed to get to a better place. And so, I had a good, long talk with myself and I’m taking a small break from revising. Not critiquing and being critiqued, but revising. And I’m trying to renegotiate my expectations for myself.
And now, I’m feeling a lot more energized. Just thought I’d share this since I tend to take so much of what I do seriously- especially writing, but everything else in my life, too. Not sure how common the feeling is, but…here we are.
Anyway, feeling good about the way things are going. Mental health, man– it’s real.